Trust...

Okay. So yeah. Trust. I'd like to think I trust You. And I think I do, just not in all the ways I obviously should. Although as I'm writing this I'm wondering if I get the meanings of trust and believe mixed up. I guess....I don't really know how to explain it. The biggest example going through my head right now is like when You tell me I'm beautiful. I know You wouldn't lie to me so when You tell me I trust that You are telling the truth, although sometimes I have a really hard time beleiving it. This is probably a bad example and in no way shape or form fishing for compliments. Just being honest.

Here is my attempt to vocalize what I was thinking earlier.

So in school....in everywhere I've always been one of the "bigger" girls. In school when we practiced trust falls I never was the one to fall. Ever. I was always the one catching. I know You are strong and could beat the living shit out of anyone You wanted to. I trust that You can do that and I know I'm safe with You. However when it came to the lean back/lean forward thing it scared me. A lot. I think I got a bit of an adrenaline rush from it because halfway home I started crying and shaking. Which is in no way shape or form Your fault, I was just letting You know. And I now realize I have more to work on.

I know that if You had been doing that with ANY other girl on the planet (or person...hell...even Harvey) I would have completely trusted You to not drop them and probably would have even said or at least thought "why are they freaking out. It's You...of course You won't let them fall". But it wasn't them. It was me and it scared me. Now, thinking about it after the fact I know You wouldn't drop me because that isn't You. I trust You not to seriously hurt me, and  I really didn't think You would have let go of me intentionally but I know I'm not the smallest female in the world or even close to it. It just was something I've never really experienced before.

Sir, I am really sorry I didn't trust You, and I am sorry I couldn't put all my thoughts into words at that moment. Please forgive me. And I will work on this.

 I love You Sir!

Rest Day!!

Oh thank god today is rest day. It hurts to move and I haven't even moved very much today. Also. I need to get back to being able to sleep past 10 AM.

Um there's a slight problem. I dreamed about game last night. And Your character was tied down and then I went all bad ass and saved You and then Your character and Big Steve's character were fighting over who could fuck me. Needless to say...I was slightly confused when I woke up. Lol

Sir,
Thank You for being patient with me.
Thank You for doings what's best although it may not be what I want.
Even when I just want to cuddle forever amd ever thank You for sending me home when it is late and I am tired.
Thank You for sitting with me and helping me fix my character last night. And making her all bad ass!
Thank You for not getting mad when I don't get the movie references, You just fix it and put the movie on. :)
Thank You for loving me even when I'm a dork, and tired, and call hoods helmets :)

I love You Sir! :)

Day Fucking 3

Day 3 of squats and holy hell. Can I just lay in bed and not move for the next month? Oh wait...I get to see You in 30 minutes so that makes everything all better :)

I am beginning to realize I can't be and probably will never be perfect. There is no way I can look cute all the time, spend an hour a day in the sun (btw I think from my little sun adventure yesterday I burned my back...opps), and get everything I want to get done in a day done. There is no fucking way. That doesn't mean I can't try and that I won't get pissed at myself when I fail. But still. I want to be the one who has everything together. The one Who has a clean house, perfect body, perfect hair, perfect life all the time. It won't ever work. I wish it would though. Which reminds me I have yet to do things for 20 and 5 minutes yet today, butnI plan on it when I get home.

I really just want to curl up in Your arms and cuddle and be held tight and tickled and kissed Sir!!! :) like last night but more!!! :) lol yes. I fully admit to being Your cuddle slut. :)

Thighs. Are. Killing. Me.

Day 2 of 30 day squat challenge and my thighs are killing me. Oh good god. I don't see how I will make it through the next 28 days. I also laid outside topless for an hour. It was heavenly. I better get tan is all I have to say about that. Also I lost 4lbs in a week and IDK how on earth that happened. It kinda makes me scared to eat now because I don't want to gain it all back lol 

Psych is amazing but I am craving watching NCIS. It has almost been a month since I have seen it. I miss it more than my reality shows. Speaking of reality tv doesn't wrestling count as reality??? The only time I watch it is with You and You obviously know what I am watching when I'm with You but still. I hope that doesn't count against the whole two months without reality television! 

I'm horny. Definitely horny. I want to get my sleeping schedule back to normal soon so I can see You soon. :D i really want cuddles and cock Sir!!!!

:)

Pull my hair please Sir!!!!

There are moments after I send certain text messages that makes me want to throw my phone across the room and hide so maybe I won't see Your reply if I am scared as to what Your reply might be. However, then I get curious and and go grab my phone and keep it next to me. For like the first I dint know how many months, but not so much recently....pretty much not since March I was always terrified (especially at first...and then gradually less) that I would say something, anything in a text and it would piss You off so bad You would call our relationship off then and there. So yeah. That's pretty much where I'm at at the moment. It's always when I think it's a risky msg and then 99% of the time You reply normally which makes me relieved and then annoyed at myself that I freaked out so much.

Also, my perfectionist-ness needs to go away. It's been fucking with my brain wayyyyyy too much lately.

Day 1 of 30 day squat challenge = complete! Also weighed myself tonight and a full pound lighter than I was last week when I checked in the morning. Which means!!!!! I have 9lbs to go before I order stuff off my amazon wish list!!!!! Yayyyy!!!! Super psyched!

P.S. I really want to be fucked right now and get my hair pulled. Idk why but tonight I have just really been wanting my hair pulled. Also, I don't think I have ever felt so sexy as tonight. The corset I'm wearing is pretty much magic. Although, I feel like it would be really easy to turn on bitch-mode while wearing it (not towards You, never towards You, just at random people...like Mel).

7th Day in a Row!!! :)

Okay just gotta vent/write about random shot for a minute before I get all my homework done. 

I usually don't pay attention in church. I usually do the kids activity sheet, then reread my favorite random Old Testament stories. Like the one about mauling people with bears. (Side note: can that be my superhero quality for game???? Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) however there were a few things I noticed that made me want to quite literally maul people with bears. 

1) During the sermon the preacher was talking about the bible and how he didn't need science to prove religion and evolution was completely false and there was no evidence. I wanted to start laughing and I really wished a friend (aka Firemoth) was there to see her reaction lol it was ridiculous 

2) every freaking song had some form of the word come, either in the song or hidden in a larger word.  

3) People who fall asleep in church. Annoying. If you want to be there fine, but do t fake that your so excited and glad to be at church and then freakin fall asleep every Sunday. Oh my god. 

4) i had a butt plug in my purse during church. That in itself was making me laugh

5) the word "intense" was said a lot today and all I could think about was to reply "like camping" which was making me laugh. 

Random thoughts:

1) does anyone else ever eat food and question if it will gag them? I may have just tried this out on curly fries...

2) I have had a song stuck in my head for the past 3ish days. Oh my lanta. You should go and listen 

to it. Here's the link: 

http://youtu.be/xxAzE_m3SxA

Now off to get a couple assignments done so I can go hangout with You! (7 days in a row...say what!! :) I'm really liking this!!!) :) 

Protectiveness :)

I absolutely LOVE how protective You are. People I don't know have always scared me (regardless of looks) but now that I know no one would ever get away with doing anything to me that You first didn't give permission for it makes me feel so much more safe and random strangers don't scare me as much anymore :) I'm realizing that Next Contestant by Nickleback is totally You. It's great :)

On a completely random topic this was one thing that I watched last night and its still pissing me off.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=kEysHDFI-FU

I get that you think you might have made a "mistake" JUST FUCKING BE HONEST ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!! That and actually prepare kids for the real world not some fantasy world THAT DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST!!!!

Ugh.

Well I'm off to do homework. Lovely.

It's Fridayyy!!!

I don't have anything specific I want to write about. Honestly I'm just still surprised I told You about my blog although I am super glad I did . :) and I don't really have anything that I am dying to talk about.

1) I am wearing a short skirt today and I look super cute. It's making me happy.

2) I'm thinking that I want a threesome with You and one of my best friends. It would be super fun and I think it would work out great! I really want her and I do be in the 69 position eating each other out while You fuck us hard!!!!! Please!!!! She thinks it sounds fun too, btw :)

3) is it bed time yet? I am tired and want to sleep!!!

P.S. I really like doing stuff in the shower :) it makes me happy and its fun!!! :)

Anne of Green Gables

Recently I have been making my way again through the Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avonlea movies. I watched them weekly as a child and they are still two of my favorite movies. There were several things I noticed and caught that I didn't think I had ever seen before.

1) The first was figuring out what the actors and actresses actually say at certain parts. I feel so much more enlightened knowing what they are saying lol

2)  Another thing I realized was Anne really inspired my future career of teaching. I want to be a teacher like her and inspire my students like she inspired hers. The way that she helps her students and has memorable times together is what I am looking forward to.

3) I have always known about this part but actually re-seeing Gilbert smack Anne's ass with the riding crop made me smile and laugh. Maybe that part affected my brain than I would have guessed before? Lol :)

So I thought I posted this yesterday but obviously...I didn't. I feel like I haven't been home the past couple days although I know I have.

Oh. I want to have sex in jello in a bathtub. Thank you Nickleback! (Pretty please?!?!?)

:)

Oh. Je.Ka.: when are we going to Prince Edward Island????

OMG! So good!

I got sex last night/this morning! And cuddles. This cuddle and sex addict is a happy girl. I'm also realizing that no matter how many hours I spend in His arms I always want more :)

Plus I figured out what I am doing for His birthday :) lets just say it will be good! ;)

I also got tried out a couple new sex positions last night and it was HOTTT :)

To say that sex has taken over my mind today would be an understatement. I also bought a sex positions book. And I am super excited to try out new positions! My Dom is more experienced in sex than I am so I hope to try out a position with Him that's new for Him as well :)

I realized last night I need to work on my thigh strength. Oh good lord. So I will be doing squats for the next 1,000 years if anyone needs me.

I love it when He tells me He loves me :) :) :) I blush easily anyways but it makes me shy and smile and its just a really great feeling! I never want to lose that! :) :) :)

I ordered new bedding the other day. Hopefully it comes tomorrow! I want to have sex on it! Plus I am really close to maxing out my credit card so I can go buy Liberator sex pillow things. Oh good god. They look like they would provide so many hours of happy fucking! I may have to splurge and go for it! Might as well haha maybe I'll start with one and slowly add more to my collection. Any suggestions for the ones that are your favorite?

I KNOW!!! I will order one set when I lose 10 pounds!!!!!! Now I have a fuck ton of motivation!!! Helllll yeah baby!

Well I will talk to y'all later!

~KR~

Letter to You

Sir,

There are some days I just want You to control many aspects of my life. I want You to tell me what to wear. I want You to tell me to wear my remote control vibe and butt plug to church. I want You to demand pics sometimes. You do all of this at times but I want You to know that it's okay to take control of my life more often even if we aren't physically together. I like the idea of little secret "missions" to complete during the day. I know You have a bad day sometimes. I want to make it better. If it will make You feel better to use me sexually to get Your frustrations out by all means go for it. I want You to be getting things out of our relationship not just me. I want You to try the Dom things You want to try. Go head and experiment. Honestly I just like it when we are together. Spend time with me please Sir! Assert Your Dominance! Grab me and bend me over and spank me just because I walked by. Snap Your fingers and tell me to kneel just because. It lets me practice my submission too.

I love You, Sir!

~kr

Emotions.

Today has been another emotions-crazed day. At one point I was about to buy a bus ticket and travel cross country  just to run away. However after one of my friends yelled at me and told me she would chase after me I didn't think it would work out too well for me. Especially once my Dom would have found out. Ai yi yi. It would have not been good. So yeah. This was totally not what I had planned to write about today but that's okay. Another thing that was upsetting me today was the fact that I don't feel pretty enough to be in one of my best friends wedding. She was a cheerleader in high school and so were some of her other best friends. I don't look like them. I'm bigger than them and have a different view of life. So instead of being at her bridal shower today I was home in bed bawling my eyes out. It was a good cleansing cry, although I still feel on the verge of tears. It's okay. Tomorrow I get to see Him and that always makes everything better!

Random.

Heyyy :) I don't really have a set topic that I want to write about today so I'm thinking I'll just do a list  style and briefly talk about a few things. 

1) There are days when I don't want sex. All I want is for someone else to eat me out and use my toys on me. The best person I've ever had go down on me was a female and she was freakin fantastic. I've thought about someday having a sex slave (in a D/s or M/s context) specifically for that purpose. The problem with that though is other than having them go down on me I feel like I don't know enough to be a good Domme or Mistress. And I feel like that isn't the right reasons anyways. 

2) I am a cuddle whore. All my problems go away when I am cuddling and I like it. I need more of that in my life. 

3. I am craving being pushed up against the wall and kissed. Or being kissed with His hand around my throat. Getting lost in a breathtaking passionate kiss. Yes please. Desperately wanting that. And more cuddles. 

4. Somedays I feel like I slip into a little girl mode or type of attitude. When I am with my Dom I don't know how to no verbally ask for cuddles. So I usually raise my arms up like a little kid does when they want to be picked up. Last September my Dom and I kinda slipped into a Daddy/little girl relationship. It didn't last very long because we realized that with our living situations among other things it would have made it hard for Him to fully take on the Daddy role. We do have a "softer" D/s relationship though. And sometimes it does slip back into the more Daddy/little girl relationship but its kind of unspoken. Idk. Maybe someday our relationship style will change. 

5. Butt plugs make me horny. 

6. I really want to orgasm with my Dom. I have come close, and I have orgasmed in His presence but not because of Him. It will happen. I'm trying not to stress about it. It will happen eventually. Someday. :) 

Hope y'all have a great day! 

It's real!!!

Today I feel like a real girlfriend!!!!!! I've been my Dom's sub since June 29, 2012. We've been in an open relationship since last November. I know He is my boyfriend and Dom but sometimes it doesn't feel as real. Today that changed. My man hadn't eaten all day and was watching kids (a man that watches kids...holy shit!!!!!!!!! Can you say H-O-T???????? Omfg. I am turned on by how sweet and caring He is). I volunteered to go get Him food. I wasn't sure how well He would take it. He likes to take care of others and sometimes when one is used to being the caretaker it is harder to accept when people do stuff for you. I'm the same way. Well after a while He let me. It was super fun! It made me feel like a real girlfriend. :) it's great :) As a sub I know that there are boundary lines and I need to obey and do what he says. As a sub who is also His girlfriend it makes me curious where the boundary lines are blurred a bit. Like sometimes when I am with my Dom after He gets off work He takes a shower. Pretty normal stuff. We've had sex in the shower before and shower time with Him is always fun. I've always wondered how He would react if I just randomly showed up and surprised Him in the shower. I don't want to get in trouble or be topping from the bottom. I want Him to always be in control but the girlfriend part of me likes doing things for my man and surprising Him. :) 

Happy Friday!!!! :) 

Words!

There are a few words that turn me into a melting mass on the floor. The first is when my Dom reminds me that He loves me. It doesn't matter where I am, when I get that text saying "love you" my heart just melts. It makes me smile like none other. Another phrase that gets me blushing and proud and wanting to do so much better is when I am told "good girl". Or being told I'm such a good girl or just good.  No other words makes me react quite like that. It makes me feel like my Dom is proud of me. It makes me want to be good. It makes my bratty side disappear. It makes me stop wanting to be a tease and just be my sweet self. Sometimes. There are times when I simply can't resist pushing my Doms buttons but its all in fun! :) being told I am a good girl reminds me to keep doing what I am doing but also that I can do so much better. Only I know sometimes how I struggle with being good (especially when I want to tease but I know it isn't a good time) and when I get the reminder or told that I am good it makes the struggle all worth it! Words are freakin' powerful! I want to get to the point with my Dom when He can command me to cum and I react in the correct way. I'm not there yet in any way but it's a good goal to work for! :) 

P.S. still horny as fuck. Pretty sure that is consuming my mind right now. It's all I can think of. I realized today when I want  to get off and don't have permission it makes me cranky and grumpy. Ahhhhh! 

Random thoughts.

A friend told me to update my blog...so here it is. There are two topics I could write about today so I'll start with that and see where that goes.

1) Labels. Why the fuck do they even matter? This kind of stems from yesterday's post about identity.    I read an article about disabilities and how they are labeled. It was an intriguing article.

Here is the link to the article: http://pages.towson.edu/cholmes/similarities/peoplefirst.pdf 

The article really has nothing to do with anything besides talking about the labels
 that we use. Sometimes we use a label to describe a person and that isn't always 
good. I understand that we need to differentiate between people. There may be a 
hundred people you know with the same name so it is good to be able to 
differentiate when talking about them. But labels go so much deeper than that. 
Labels can be life altering. For either good or bad. Diversity is good and being 
able to celebrate our differences is amazing. But when we get judged either to 
our faces or behind our backs for the label we were assigned things happen. 
We totally are judged for our labels. Either by being male, female, or other. 
By the people we hang out with. By the clothes we wear. Why can't we just 
ignore what a person looks like and get to know them by their personality?
 Looks will go away. Someone who is labeled as fat made lose all the 
weight and become the hottest person you've ever met. Or the hottest 
person you know may gain hundreds of pounds. Outward appearance 
doesn't really matter. Personality for the win! 

2) I want to be fucked. Hard. I want You to take me. Throw me down and do me how You want to. I want to feel Your hand gripping my throat. I want passion. I want almost animalistic. Rough and sweet all at the same time. Gripping and pulling my hair. Telling me how bad You want me. I want to be fucked for Your pleasure. I want to be so breathless and caught up in the moment. I want Your strong hands gripping pulling squeezing. I want to be tied down and teased till I can't take it anymore. I want to fight back and not make it easy for You to tie me down. I don't mean it though. Being tied down is amazing and I love it. I want orgasms so many of them W/we fall into an exhausted heap and cuddle for hours till W/we get enough strength to do it again. I want my senses to be so heightened that the sensations if Your fingers bring me to screaming orgasm.

Side note....

Ever watch a cat masturbate? Pretty sure my cat is humping my favorite soft blanket. Lovely. Simply lovely. Great to know that my cat is as sexual of a being as I am. Hopefully not as bad as me, but still.  It makes me fearful for my future children. Who better live wayyyyy in the future.
No babies for this cat mama.

Goodnight!

Identity...

Identity. What do or how do you identify yourself? Before sometime last year I indentified as Christian. Other than that I don't really like I have ever identified with a group or felt strong connections to a group of people. I've always known the groups that I don't fit in, like those from other counties or ethnicities, the jocks or the popular kids. I was always just me. This Caucasian girl who grew up with a mom and a dad, in a conservative home. Since last year and in thinking about religion and things I used to believe I have decided I am agnostic. I do think that there is some "higher power" but I have no clue who or what.

 I'm taking a Multicultural class this term and this class gives me headaches! We have to think so much it's almost frikkin ridiculous! Our professor started out the class today talking about class rules and "safe words" to use if the conversation got too intense. When she mentioned safe words I slightly freaked out. In fact I emailed a friend who is into BDSM and also in college asking her what I should say if BDSM was brought up in the conversation. There was no way in hell I would ever bring it up myself up but I also didn't want to hear wrong information going around about a lifestyle that I am part of. 

Another thing I was curious about is when our professor wants us to identify our sexual orientation. I'm pretty sure I am bi, I mean I have been with 3 other women, although they were mostly doing stuff to me and touching me rather than me touching them back (I would have reciprocated...these situations were rather unique and different though.). Two of these women were (or are) my Doms other former sub and a current sub. I have also made out with my best friend from age 4 twice and experimented with her. I still definitely like cock, but being with another woman doesn't freak me out. So how then it leaves me wondering who to identify with? And since I thought I was straight till last Novemeber I have never had to think about "coming out" to anyone. Why does it even matter? Will my classmates look at me different? My school is in a really open-minded community but still. I think thoughts and going through these different thought processes are good and it will help me be understanding in my future career. But, still. 

To not identify with groups I have identified with all my life is weird. It's a cool feeling though. Like I can shape who I am and who I want to be. 


 I've always just been me. 

Guilt and obedience.

When I was trying to come up with a topic to write about today I thought about guilt. There are some things I am terrified of. One would be forgetting to wear my collar since I am collared. I know that being collared is a privilege. I have been collared since Wednesday, November 21,2012. The night before Thanksgiving. I have only forgotten to wear my collar twice and both times told my Dom about it. He has always been really gracious. Still it is not a thing that I enjoy forgetting.

Another thing I feel really guilty about is when I forget something my Dom told me to do. I feel guilty just thinking about the possibility. I am in the process of anal training, as well as posture training. So for 20 minutes and 5 minutes a day perspectivly I work on those tasks. I also have a couple other rules that I follow at all times. One being never wearing panties unless its that time of the month or I ask permission first. I was talking to another sub that I know and she was making it sound like she doesn't always follow her Doms rules unless she wants to. I'm not judging it was just an interesting idea. D/s is a voluntary relationship. Just like any relationship. But why want a D/s relationship if you aren't going to follow all the rules? You can't just pick out the pieces that you like. At least in my opinion. It kind of reminds me of those people who say that they follow a religion, but only chose to follow certain parts of it. Or pick out what they want and ignore the rest. That really pisses me off.

Communication.

Who doesn't shudder when they hear their partner talk about communication. Seriously I know it's super important and relationships can't grow without it. But still. The other day when I was talking to my Dom and He said he wanted to know me better I cringed inside. He knows me sexually but there is more to me than things I want to try and things I already like. It's not that I have secrets. I truly do not have secrets from that man. Or things that I am trying to hide from Him. There are things I haven't told Him, yes, but they aren't bad things. Like I have PCOS (polycystic overy syndrome) How the hell does one tell their partner that "I don't get my period naturally and don't release eggs every month". It isn't anything that can be passed to a sexual partner can get so I am not hurting Him in any way by not saying anything. I just don't exactly know how to bring that up. Or talk about myself? I love talking don't get me wrong. But I sometimes feel like I have such a boring past. And I don't want to bore Him. At all. And I do talk, but mostly about what's currently going on in my life or things that are going on with mutual friends of ours. Also I don't know what He wants to know. I will ask Him the next time we are cuddling on the couch but that might be a couple of days away. I just need to get used to being open and willing to give my opinion. I also hate being wrong. It's one of the worst things in my opinion. Ugh. Have a great weekend y'all!! 

Do any of you all have communication stories or problems??

Happy Communicating!!!

I want to be spanked. Hard.

There are several things that I need to vent. Or just talk about to figure it out on my own.

1) I've always been the "good" child. I am an only child so I never had siblings to compete with to be the good or bad kid. I had cousins though that my parents used as examples. At least they tried to. When I was younger I was very strong willed. Hell, I still am. But I was always able to talk my way out of most punishments or make promises I knew I would break to get out of being punished. So in that area I kind of lost respect for my parents because they were pushovers. I could sweet talk my way out of almost anything. When I got a Dom I was expecting it to be a bit different. And it is, don't get me wrong. But sometimes I just really want to be thrown down and spanked till I cry. I crave to be spanked hard. Sometimes I am a brat and try to get punished. It doesn't fucking work!!!!! The other day my Dom had my roommate spank me twice and after he was done they both commented on how hard it is to actually spank me hard and hurt me because they like me so much. Which, is good....but still. Part of me just wants to do something that will leave my ass so bruised it is hard to sit for the next week. Ugh. I just love it when my Dom's marks are on my ass.

2) I really don't remember what else was bugging me.

Feel free to comment on any of my posts or ask questions!

~k.r.~

Epiphany Filled Day~

I had an epiphany today. I love my Dom (who is also my boyfriend (we have an open relationship)) and He is a big part of my life. But my existence and survival does not depend on Him. We haven't really talked much during the past couple of days but I haven't been too worried. I know I still think about Him and He about me through our poking wars on Facebook. I had a conversation with His other sub the other day who was pretty close to losing it because she hadn't talked to him all day. Again for a variety of reasons. But I realized some differences between her and I. She on one hand was freaking the fuck out and I was more calm and collected. Neither of us were either wrong or right but in that moment I decided I never wanted to depend upon one person for my existence. I don't think for me that would be healthy.

My second epiphany came when I was doing homework. I grew up in a conservative Christian home and never really met anyone who was too different than me. Last summer I answered an ad on Craigslist and started talking to a man who soon became my Dom and I his sub. Through Him I have met a lot of people I never really knew existed. I have joined a social networking site dedicated to BDSM and also learned things through there. I turned from a straight Christian girl into a bi-sexual sex crazed girl who recently got into gaming. Weird and quite the change I know. But change is good. Questioning what we are taught is a good thing. Which sometimes confuses me because some times I want to question my Dom but I have learned its safer to wait till later if I have a question about something trivial. Of course if I have a major problem or major question I can always ask and He is understanding. But questioning to prolong doing a task or getting punishment never really works out too well :)

Hope you all have a great weekend!!