Trust...

Okay. So yeah. Trust. I'd like to think I trust You. And I think I do, just not in all the ways I obviously should. Although as I'm writing this I'm wondering if I get the meanings of trust and believe mixed up. I guess....I don't really know how to explain it. The biggest example going through my head right now is like when You tell me I'm beautiful. I know You wouldn't lie to me so when You tell me I trust that You are telling the truth, although sometimes I have a really hard time beleiving it. This is probably a bad example and in no way shape or form fishing for compliments. Just being honest.

Here is my attempt to vocalize what I was thinking earlier.

So in school....in everywhere I've always been one of the "bigger" girls. In school when we practiced trust falls I never was the one to fall. Ever. I was always the one catching. I know You are strong and could beat the living shit out of anyone You wanted to. I trust that You can do that and I know I'm safe with You. However when it came to the lean back/lean forward thing it scared me. A lot. I think I got a bit of an adrenaline rush from it because halfway home I started crying and shaking. Which is in no way shape or form Your fault, I was just letting You know. And I now realize I have more to work on.

I know that if You had been doing that with ANY other girl on the planet (or person...hell...even Harvey) I would have completely trusted You to not drop them and probably would have even said or at least thought "why are they freaking out. It's You...of course You won't let them fall". But it wasn't them. It was me and it scared me. Now, thinking about it after the fact I know You wouldn't drop me because that isn't You. I trust You not to seriously hurt me, and  I really didn't think You would have let go of me intentionally but I know I'm not the smallest female in the world or even close to it. It just was something I've never really experienced before.

Sir, I am really sorry I didn't trust You, and I am sorry I couldn't put all my thoughts into words at that moment. Please forgive me. And I will work on this.

 I love You Sir!